passing emotions inspired by song

"put me out of my fucking misery" - linkin park

She was pissed. She was always pissed. She walked into rooms looking like she'd had nails for dinner. And her mouth, she kept tightly closed lest the nails come shooting out like darts. There were a lot of reasons for the anger and the frustration, but it was generally the state of the world that kept her on edge.

"Turn off the television," her therapist advised. 

She laughed because the world wasn't the same as the therapist reminisced about. It was more than the television, it was the text messages, alerts, livestreams, Twitter feed, the satellite news, and every email laying out exactly what was happening in real time.  

Maybe if there was someone to love, to distract her on those long and lonely nights. But it had been years, and no one ever was invited to stay longer than a night. 

Her most sustained relationship had been with Rafa. She had thought they were friends, that perhaps, he was a mentor. Thirty-five years older than her, it never struck her as anything else until that one night when she had been moved to tears with anger and frustration at the hypocrites, the duplicitous party leaders, who posed and smiled with arms linked with each other ignoring the issues she had been working on. He ushered her out of the gathering, and they had stood outside her car until she could breathe normally again. 

"It seems like there is more going on than tonight," he said, probing.

She couldn't speak of all the reasons for the emotional outburst of anger, but a sad and overwhelming feeling of utter loneliness suddenly burst forth. With a heavy sigh, she told him about being in a room full of supposed friends and how he was the only friendly face. He had laughed and reminded her of a long-ago conversation. There are very few friends in this life, he had said. Most are acquaintances that are in our lives by circumstance and proximity. I only have a handful of friends, he had told her. It is wise to remember that when you're naming people in your life. 

"How will we ever make a difference if you can't count on anyone - friend or acquaintance?" she had asked him, counting on him to provide some sort of hope. 

They had been sitting in her car and he turned towards her in the driver's seat and joked with a smile, "Oh, you wanted to accomplish something with the Democratic party?"

She had laughed and thought, ok, here's a friend, and she shook off the last of the tears, allowing the anger to recede back into the low and constant simmer she could control. Just at that moment, when she could contemplate what the next steps she would take, what help she might need from him, he asked if she was feeling better.

With a nod and while she was still wondering her next question, he leaned towards her and asked if she needed a hug. The memory of the last time she and Jeremy were sitting in the car had flashed quickly and she thought, I could use a hug. 

Arms still wrapped around each other as much as the close quarters allowed, Rafa said, "I'm going to give you a kiss, ok?" And he kissed her forehead. She smiled at the fatherly gesture. And then his lips moved to her mouth and he kissed her lips. While she sat perfectly still at this development his hand moved to cup her breast. The loneliness, once again, overwhelmed her and she sighed. 

"I'm not comfortable with your hand there," she said and extracted herself from his embrace. 

That was the last time there had been any real conversation or knowingness before a kiss, and a hand or mouth on her breast. And even though she had allowed her body to be touched and loved on since then, she would remember that small betrayal as a reminder of why the men were acquaintances and she had no straight male friends. Jeremy was her last friend.

"the little things give you away" - linkin park