good bad in between and beyond

There are no good guys, and there are no bad guys. We each redeem and condemn ourselves moment by moment on any given day. I don't even know where that line is drawn. I suppose it's easy if you save a child from an oncoming car.

But is it the end result that only matters?

And what if that kid grows up to be a mass murderer? And, what if in the second before you acted, in that moment that people say stretches out forever as if time is standing still, the thought occurred to you that you could just watch it happen. Wait to see what kind of sound the tires would make as they futilely tried to stop. What then? Where is the beginning? Where is the ending?

All that we do does not matter - and if there is a point where we reexamine or pause for reflection, it really is just a peek into the middle of the plot, and nobody knows where this story is heading and no one can say with certainty where and when it began.. Nobody. Believe no one when they tell you they know. Especially me. Believe nothing I say. 

You cannot be sure at which moment you have caught me. Am I watching from a distance, or even up close and personal, the oncoming train wreck doing nothing to jeopardize or risk myself in any way? Or am I trying to bend time and the tracks and my will and all my weaknesses into something of beauty? If I cannot be sure, it probably doesn't make much sense to try to examine that for yourself and come up with any sort of reasonable conclusion as to whether or not I am any more good or bad when compared to the next guy. It is all relative, some have been known to say. Some wiser and more clever than me - though that may be hard to ascertain if I'm going to stick to my theory that it really all is relative.

Black, white, shades of grey - of that I'm sure. Doesn't even begin to cover anything, have you noticed? Throw in anything natural, anything of substance, and immediately you can recognize that those don't even begin to cover the spectrum at all. Not even close. Not by a mile.

But I do know this. I feel pretty shitty. Not compared to anything else. Just as it is. It is what it is. Why label it?