Party Like It's 1999

March 8, 1999

Who is really the hunter, who is being hunted, really? It sounds so animal, it feels so wild.

Your kiss could make me sane. Or it could drive me crazy. Your choice. Or mine. It's the same, really.

I picture it more as a journey. A destination that we knew of all along. The something within us that made us believe in something beyond ourselves. When we were five years old, when we were fifteen - what sustained us through the dark nights and gray days.

Somehow everything was going to be all right.

We would find each other - eventually - inevitably.
___________________________

So what do you think of that? How's that for your memoirs? Crazy words in my journal from ... um... fucking 20 days shy of SIX YEARS ago. What the hell?

And here's the first blurb on STORIES THAT NOBODY HEARS --- written sometime after March 22, 1999 and before April 11, 1999.

If you want a love story, if you want a sob story - you haven't come to the right place. Go away. Go away now. (Note to self: Secret fear that people will.) When you are your most vulnerable, when your actions speak of volumnous weakness and cowardice, you probably don't go crowing about it on The Jerry Springer Show. No, the loudest, most obnoxiously vocal of us have only fingers to point and accusations to scream at times like that. I know there was something I was thinking of. Something that, or rather, someone, that I was particularly proud of because they had confessed it all. All their shortcomings, out in the open. Who was it? Was it you?

Look at me. Look at me. Look at my face. It means don't look at my actions, my body, my clothes. Look into my eyes and see me.

It just is. What I've done. It just is. I don't believe I need to feel one way or another about what is, let alone, what was. I believe that's what God does just acknowledges what is and doesn't feel one way or another.

It is just a story and it means everything and it means nothing all at once. Find meaning in it, or make it meaningless.

What did Jesus say on the cross? "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." And we don't. It wasn't, "Father help them, forgive them, because they're killing the Son of God. Because they're being blasphemous towards You." But I believe it was, "Forgive them because they're killing... out of fear, out of ignorance, simple reactionary nothing." All the things that when piled high on a pedastal - are nothing.

And what if I cause, if I be the cause, behind a whole new revolutionary way of thinking? If I say, "You are the power." I think Jesus' quotes are completely misinterpreted. I believe he meant (hahaha, I know, I know, "God meant..." hahahaha... "God says"... I mean, seriously, you think I don't know how that sounds?) (But, still - I say it - so there!) not "follow me" like, "pray to me" "It's only through me", that "without me you are lost"... but really like "these things are truth". And if you love (or don't love) one another it's going to be Ok.
__________________
And then I go off into some crazy rant that makes no sense - I know how unlikely we all take that to be, but it's true. Makes no sense at all. I'm almost tempted to scratch it all out of existence right now. But I'm gonna leave it because maybe one day it'll make sense again.

"I'm becoming the woman you've wanted. But I don't want you anymore."

I don't know where that's from... but it's written on the side of the page and laughed on the page, and I laughed aloud just right now when I read it. Funny shit. These are the stories that I tell myself and try to determine whether or not they've been heard before. The trick is to give voices to those who have been silenced, or who have never spoken up. The idea is to bring forth a truth that exists in the corner of everyone's life, universally pertinent, and somehow recognize how alone that truth feels. That's why this shit is hard. That's why it takes so long. That's why I doubt myself.

Time to let it be a different story. Where there is No Doubt... where there is only Faith. Where I shine... where I remember, and by remembering for myself, help others to remember - "I am a child of God. I came from the womb of creation."